I’m working on talking through my routines and activities, seeing if I’m able to remove things from my plans, borrow someone elses brain and perspective to see if something could be put off or be done by another person. It’s not easy, letting myself rely on someone else or to let a “must do” distort into a “maybe next month”
Knowing I’ve got a routine that covers the basics, free me up from the mundane things I’m required to do. It puts a structure and strength in place, which is a basis for me to enjoy time with my loved ones, write, chill, read, learn and expand my world.
So routines can appear to be a perfect solution……. However I have realised I find it difficult to understand when a routine is controlling me rather than supporting me. The routine can become about completing each detail in the exact way, so that I am able to move beyond that single action/thought, onto the next.
In ballet I loved travelling turns and the first few exercises at the barre. The barre soothed me but it became the focus rather than using the techniques to support my centre work, where the actual “dance” is meant to be.
It took years for me to move the artistry and feeling that was evoked by the familiarity and security of the barre work to the centre. reflecting I wonder if the security of the barre prevented me from taking the risks and venturing into vulnerability and exhilaration of centre work that I could have experienced. But for me, the barre was where my world slot into place so I could breathe deeply and the world could slow.
Shifting the routine.
When someone comments or I notice that I’m being held back by my routines / structures /compulsions / rituals, what do I do then? When I feel as if my world is only held in place by the routines that confine me, my feelings, suffocating until each breath is forced, fought for and I’m left clinging to the few structures I have in place.
I’ve been trying to understand the difficulty with allowing flexibility into my routines, even when I’m well. For even then I’m holding onto my routines, knowing that if I don’t follow my structure, when I lose time or a migraine strikes, I will be lost. But I need some flexibility, not to change everything, but to have some wiggle room, some space to breathe. Where routines are supporting me rather than controlling.
doingmybestwithasmile 