Psychotic, me? and a NaNo wrap up

I’ve made a major decision which goes directly against doctors advice. Gulp. I’ve decided, for one month, to stop my anti psychotics and see what happens to my weight (also if I can live with the side effects of not being on my med)
I’ve stopped now for 6 days and so far I’ve had a splitting headache, I’ve got the sensation of electric shocks, or fireworks going off in my brain, constantly; I cant sleep; I’m hot and sweaty and feel disorientated. My anxiety is through the roof so i’ve added more anti anxiety med throughout the day.  BUT i’m not complaining as, so far, I can cope with these things if it means I am able to lose some weight (4 stone 5 pounds ive put on in the past year and a half) yet all the psychiatrists tell me im on a ‘weight neutral’ medication….. My body proves to me that it’s not, for me at least.
Anyway, rather than tapering the medication off or consulting with the psychiatrist, in my usual style I’ve gone cold turkey. Stupid may be a good word for me right now.
One thing that I am doing, which is different for me and I hope takes this medication holiday from self harm to being an active and possibly healthy decision, is that I am being very clear with everyone that I am coming off the meds; I’ve informed my partner, psychologist, best friend, fitness leader, kids school etc and asked them all to let me know if I’m behaving strangely and to let me know, or my partner know, so that I can go back on the meds. Saying that though, unless its affecting my kids i’m likely to keep off the meds for at least the month.
On a completely different note, I became a NaNo Winner on the 21st of the month. I spent last Saturday in my dressing gown (purple, long and soft….mildly pretentious) writing away at my kitchen table and after a day of chasing my protagonist round the outskirts of London I reached the target of 50,000 words. Whoopee!!
I was thinking to myself what id like to take away from NaNo this year and I realised that what I value the most is spending, however much or little, time in my own world, fighting my own dragons and focusing on that elusive but magical thing called inspiration. Many days during NaNo the inspiration was impossible to find but I wrote anyway. I don’t want to be a NaNoer who writes only in November, instead id like to write a little each day and learn a little more about the skill and craft of writing. I worry that I’ll run out of things to write but in truth, I’m more worried about not writing at all. During NaNo I’ve been aiming to write 2000 words a day. I’ve decided to set myself a target of 500 words a day; yesterday was day 2 and I missed doing it! Whoops! Anyway I caught up today so am happily sipping a coffee while posting this blog.

National Poetry Writing Month day 4 – worst month

December,

The month of joy and glee

leaves me feeling stressed and deep

in a depression surrounded by glee

is worse than having the creeps

round for tea.

 

Stocking time. Put on a smile,

laugh and joke so no-one sees

the painted façade of Christmas time

like an abandoned sad divorcee.

 

Maybe this year will work out fine,

the presents I give will be taken with smiles.

My hugs will be warm and filled with love,

i’ll be there not disassociated by miles.

 

I’d like to hide under my duvet

And watch repeats on TV,

I’d like to see who I want to see

Dictating traditions make me quease.

 

Yet every year as the month appears

I decorate, light candles and sing out-loud.

Let no-one see that underneath

My smiles and lies are a masterpiece.

 

 

Hmmmm, not too happy with this one, I’d like to shorten it and change the way it scans but real life calls. Have a good day.

3rd day of National Poetry Writing Month – fanmail….

I know so little of you

I worship from afar;

Mimic your hair and makeup tips

which may cause you alarm.

 

Your smile reaches 10 million

yet feels its just for me

as I rewind your youtube chat

and record you on TV.

 

I’d like to be your confidante,

to sit and drink some tea

while you tell me of fame’s hardships

sat on my settee

 

But to you I am invisible

My daily toils affects you not,

my hopes surround you lovingly,

in two years you’ll be forgot.