I’ve stopped now for 6 days and so far I’ve had a splitting headache, I’ve got the sensation of electric shocks, or fireworks going off in my brain, constantly; I cant sleep; I’m hot and sweaty and feel disorientated. My anxiety is through the roof so i’ve added more anti anxiety med throughout the day. BUT i’m not complaining as, so far, I can cope with these things if it means I am able to lose some weight (4 stone 5 pounds ive put on in the past year and a half) yet all the psychiatrists tell me im on a ‘weight neutral’ medication….. My body proves to me that it’s not, for me at least.
Anyway, rather than tapering the medication off or consulting with the psychiatrist, in my usual style I’ve gone cold turkey. Stupid may be a good word for me right now.
One thing that I am doing, which is different for me and I hope takes this medication holiday from self harm to being an active and possibly healthy decision, is that I am being very clear with everyone that I am coming off the meds; I’ve informed my partner, psychologist, best friend, fitness leader, kids school etc and asked them all to let me know if I’m behaving strangely and to let me know, or my partner know, so that I can go back on the meds. Saying that though, unless its affecting my kids i’m likely to keep off the meds for at least the month.
I was thinking to myself what id like to take away from NaNo this year and I realised that what I value the most is spending, however much or little, time in my own world, fighting my own dragons and focusing on that elusive but magical thing called inspiration. Many days during NaNo the inspiration was impossible to find but I wrote anyway. I don’t want to be a NaNoer who writes only in November, instead id like to write a little each day and learn a little more about the skill and craft of writing. I worry that I’ll run out of things to write but in truth, I’m more worried about not writing at all. During NaNo I’ve been aiming to write 2000 words a day. I’ve decided to set myself a target of 500 words a day; yesterday was day 2 and I missed doing it! Whoops! Anyway I caught up today so am happily sipping a coffee while posting this blog.