Im having a few of those kind of days when I’ve been bouncing into uncomfortable situations then respond inappropriately; its not great.
This post makes me feel very vulnerable as it talks about a part of me which I am ashamed of, a part which I would tear out of myself if I could, but if I don’t talk about it who else will?
A few days ago I received an email. An unpleasant email. One that put me ‘in my place’ and hurt. I had such a rush of emotion as I read it; shame, self loathing, and, of course, overwhelming humiliation. It was at the forefront of all my thoughts for days on end.
Usually the shame and embarrassment would have kept me from talking about the email, but I was determined to do things differently this time, so i talked about it and it was pointed out to me, “but you aren’t the e-mail” and its true, I had taken on what was said in the email and applied it to me as if it was a personal attack…. a big ouch.
The endless thinking of my failures and flaws impacted my days and sleepless nights until I arrived in group therapy and accidentally told my therapist where to kill herself (if you don’t get verbal diahorrea just be grateful, don’t judge) I was so shocked by what I said it took me a few minutes to recover after frantically back pedalling and apologising and explaining my (flawed) train of thought.
Thankfully my therapist had a good laugh and then helped me work out what was going on for me and creating such verbal diahorrea. It didn’t stop it, or the shame, but at least I learnt from it.
I recognise the verbal diahorrea in other people. Feel their shame and embarrassment as they realise what their mouths have said, before their brains kick in. To me its not the same as being bitchy as it is said before the intention is even considered, but the things said can be horrific.
Later in the session session I mentioned the table was falling apart
“I know, I know” responded the art therapist.
“You’re not the table” the co-therapist commented with perfect comic timing.
It’s true, she is not a table and I am not what vague acquaintances think of me….. despite my verbal Diahorrea.