The past 2 weeks have been good weeks. Ones where I’ve been able to think and feel, make choices after considering the options and survive various social events. At times even thrived during various social events
I woke up one day and I could see better, feel more but calmly and didn’t have the crippling anxiety that usually accompanies doing anything and everything. So I’ve seen some friends and played Lego with my kids, baked some banana cake which tasted nice (and turned out not to be
poisonous, 3 cheers for the baker!!) and lived a life closer to what I consider ‘normal’ than usual.
Each day has periods of blankness, emptiness, loss mixed with enjoyment and energy. The enjoyment and energy is new. The rest is not.
Other people have told me im “glowing” and even look like “a totally different person” which are compliments I gladly accept. That I look physically different because my mental state is different doesnt surprise me; that it is so obvious to everyone I meet (acquaintance or friend) does surprise me.
I was wondering outloud whether it’s an isolated good period or the sign of recovering, when my therapist asked whether it matters; that maybe I can enjoy it while it’s happening and find out along the journey rather than having a label for the experience at the onset. Never thought of doing that before.
I am grateful for these ‘good weeks’ and am hoping they may be indicators of recovering….. I say recovering rather than recovery as its a process, not a final point.
My days may always have shadows and feelings of loss and numbness but if I can have, on balance, contentment, purpose and moments of joy, then life will be much more liveable.
Today I have hope.