An unfun side effect of BPD is the paranoia that creeps up on me, I only realise it’s leapt on my back and I’m seeing through its eyes and speaking through its mouth, a few hours, or days, into snarling at my loved ones and finding offence with every one and thing that comes to my attention.
Today is one of those days.
By lunchtime I accepted OH wasn’t purposefully putting me down and the kids didn’t hate me, so I took myself to bed and sat under my duvet watching Harry Potter DVDs and browsing eBay for things that may make me feel like a whole human being again.
Its a strange feeling, not feeling like myself.
Yet I can never imagine how i could feel any different from the exact way I’m feeling right now (I’m guessing you’re now as confused as I feel right now)
So I guess its not, not feeling like myself, but feeling uncomfortable within myself. Oh, and that everyone hates me and is trying to humiliate me so I will bury myself in the back garden (which would be a lot of effort considering its mainly clay and rocks) or run away to live in a tent (which I used to fantasise about when I was 9),basically anything that gets me out of their lives.
When I’m in this kind of mood I hear things very differently from what the person speaking intends.
OH – Gawd, you really need to sort out the linen….
I hear – Gawd, you are such a useless, lazy, inconsiderate and worthless person (all in a vindictive and loud voice)
The good thing about today is that sometimes instead of just feeling worse and upset by what I’d heard/thought I’d heard, I asked him what he meant and the intention behind the comment. And you know what, mostly, he wasn’t trying to ‘get to me’, it was just my brain tricking me.
And the even better thing….. We didn’t fall out because I was upset at him putting me down; instead I explained that my brain was playing tricks and to be gentle with me because the tricks weren’t making being around others easy, not easy at all.
Update: I decided to sort the linen cupboard out today, here is my AFTER photograph of all the hard work I put in…… Yes its pink but it doesn’t mean its MY job to sort the linen out!
So what exactly did I do? Well I took the towels and hid them…..
……where my OH will never find them….. Whahahahahaha.