Mantra making

My youngest has a wonderful way of saying things that he wants to happen as fact.

“Mummy. Daddy going to play computer with me for 20 days”
Hmmmmm
“Mummy. Dadddy said Mummy buy me big big BIG cake”

Cue the meltdown when evil Mummy explains Daddy’s gone to work or that a 3 year old who’s eaten a muffin the size of his head is not going to have any more cake until hes 10, or at least until Daddy decides to take him to the shops. Is it strange that my kids cheer when Daddy walks through the front door?!! No, dont answer that!

Anyway it got me thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a hope turn into a confident belief of being. Which are, possibly, what mantras are for “I will be…….a size 6” “I deserve …..this large slab of chocolate” “I am worthy ….. of being a size 6 and still eating chocolate”
(DISCLAIMER, I have not a clue what a mantra is but hang with me and lets see where we go….)

Expressions and self talk can become unplanned mantras to keep ourselves in our ‘safe stance’ of being, regardless of how unpleasant that place is.
My current unhelpful mantra is “stupid bitch” which runs through my head like a constant hum. In the past I’ve had “man up” and “you are invisible” I’m unsure if I got through despite or because of them, but over time they take a toll on me.

After a while the hum of putting myself down taints each situation I’m in. There was a day in the summer which could have been pretty close to perfect with kids happy and well, OH happy and well, me well and, oh, disassociated. I spent the amazing day muttering in my mind “stupid bitch, stupid bitch” until that voice ruined my day. If I’d just sat back, in the long grass by the old tree that overlooked the lake, and experienced the day, yes from the cloud within my head, I would have shared the experience with my family in my own way. Instead I was punishing myself for having not enjoyed the day because I had judged my own experience as unworthy when, without judgement, it may pretty wonderful.

image

Part of my view from under that tree

The stock default phrases that come inside leave no room for being human, having compassion, for self evolution.

My favourite mantra (although hardest to keep in my head) was last years “This is MY journey” and yes part of it is in capitals, not because I’m shouting, but because that was the part I struggled to hold onto. The idea of having ownership of my own experiences, with no need to compare myself to others and find myself lacking. Also room for my own feelings, because some very odd people who’re paid to help me to try and live within myself better (and they do deserve to be paid, well, very well) have told me that my feelings are valid, heck, they even say they’re important (I usually grimace and make retching noises to express how uncomfortable that concept feels to me, but they persist; I told you they should be paid well)
So now I’m on the lookout for a new mantra to move on from “stupid bitch”, I’m wondering what it”ll be. Its too easy to slip into a negative default so I need something good, something short and catchy. It takes energy to change a mantra and mindset but I’m hoping now’s the time.

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